I have never been to a Costco. From what I gather, it’s a place where people like to buy things in bulk -- and buy things dirt cheap. Growing up, we had a Farmer’s Market we’d go to where you could buy a year’s supply of socks and a ½ dozen live pigs from the same seller. I assume that’s what Costco is like, only with more pig shit on the floor.
As someone who considers himself a connoisseur of the morbidly bizarre, my Google searches often lead me to things I never heard mentioned before – such as Costco selling caskets at “rock bottom prices”.
Several things intrigue me about this, such as folks who have the presence of mind when a loved one dies to think, “Yeah, it’s sad that little Timmy died… but where can I get a casket without being gouged by a funeral home? I’ll try Costco.”
There’s also interesting food for thought on Costco’s Funeral > Frequently Asked Questions page:
Q: Can you order a casket for preplanning purposes?
Yes, as long as the casket is being shipped to a member's home or storage facility of choice. The order will ship within the stated delivery parameters on the site. However, due to regulations and restrictions, we cannot hold on to any orders for future delivery.
Think about that. The no frills shopper who knows little Timmy is nearing death and wants to get the coffin ahead of time. He can’t have it delivered to a funeral parlor (since, unfortunately, little Timmy’s heart is still beating) so he orders it and has it delivered to the house.
Little Timmy: (cough) what’s that large box the men are bringing in the house, daddy?
Daddy: Nothing, nothing… Go back to sleep…
Delivery Man: Where do you want us to put this coffin, mister?
Little Timmy: (cough) what?... what did he say?
Daddy: Nothing, Timmy! Go back to sleep!
My favorite part of the FAQ is this sentence at the bottom of the page that is upper-cased and in bold face:
THERE IS NO SCIENTIFIC OR OTHER EVIDENCE THAT ANY CASKET WITH A SEALING DEVICE WILL PRESERVE HUMAN REMAINS
Anyone who has ever worked in retail or public services knows that messages like this don’t just appear without a back story. They are written as the result of some incident that made it compulsory to spell out (For example, Children under 3 not allowed on this ride – Translation: Children under 3 have been thrown from this ride and decapitated – we’re not going through that shit again!)
I have to assume someone at some point buried a loved one (let’s say a young and attractive someone) who looked great going in the ground, but upon exhumation 20 years later looked horrific:
Angry Customer: Your salesman specifically told me that if I purchased the Costco Cryptkicker Sealant™ that Brianna would stay built like a BRICKHOUSE forever! NOW look at her! She looks like a SHITHOUSE!.... All that puss running out of her orifices! YUCK!! I was told there was SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE that the sealing device would PRESERVE HER REMAINS!! I WANT MY MONEY BACK NOW!!
Another great aspect of the casket page is the “Features” section: The top feature being that it has an “18 gallon” holding capacity.
Back to the father, this time on the phone, ordering the casket for little Timmy:
Daddy: The 18 gallon model seems a bit larger than I need. This is going to be for a small child. Wouldn’t 8 or 9 gallons hold him?
Salesman: Yes sir, but the 18 gallons is necessary, not so much for holding him…. Because, let’s face it, he’s not going anywhere once he’s in the ground..
Daddy: Ha-ha! True, true….
Salesman: No, the 18 gallon capacity is mostly for the foam and cushions and blankets that will be in the casket with your loved one.
Daddy: Oh, I see. That makes sense…. But if there was, say, less cushions and padding, which honestly seems kind of superfluous for a dead child, then couldn’t the gallon capacity be lower?
Salesman: Actually, there are laws prohibiting a casket from being any lower than 18 in some states?
Daddy: Really? That’s crazy! Sounds like a law some liberal hotshot Congressman crammed through to stick it to the little guy!.... No pun intended!
I also enjoyed the Customer Ratings & Reviews section where there are 14 reviews for the handy-dandy “In God’s Care” model casket. ALL give it a 5 star rating! Apparently, not one customer had an issue with the product whatsoever (which seems a bit rigged). I would have liked to have seen at least one unhappy customer give a bad rating:
* One star! What a disappointment this was! From the minute we put little Timmy in this hunk of scrap
metal JUNK, it started LEAKING like a wet rag! Imagine our embarrassment! We had friends at
the funeral – some from over an hour away – who were aghast to see the liquid crud seeping
from all four corners! Ugh! What an ugly day it turned out to be! I wouldn’t trust the “In God’s
Care” casket to hold my PISS!!! -- AVOID THIS CASKET!!
Finally, you might think that caskets are genderless. Not at Costco! Here we have the “Mother Casket”:
Don’t know what to get mom this Mother’s Day?
Watch her eyes open wide when she sees this beauty sitting in the living room!
Anyway, just some thoughts on buying caskets at Costco and our bizarre, emotionally-detached, soulless 21st century….